Pirates of the Caribbean: Is This a Tale Worth Telling (by Dead Men)?

He could use some rum right about now…

I saw the first Pirates of the Caribbean eight times in theaters. And believe you me, that was a feat for my middle-school self, given that I didn’t generally pay for my movie tickets and I didn’t have a car. So, basically, the feat here is that my mom allowed me see it eight times in theaters.

By comparison, I saw Dead Man’s Chest four times, At World’s End twice, and On Stranger Tides once.

Curse of the Black Pearl, in my opinion, is one of the greatest movies ever made. The two follow-ups, to me, were nearly as good at the first. The fourth, however, was merely entertaining, but not great.

Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirates life for me!

So how does Dead Men Tell No Tales stack up with the rest? I don’t want to say that the ship has sailed on the Pirates franchise; for one, I wouldn’t want to submit you to such an awful pun (a lie), and for two, as long as Johnny Depp shows up to play Captain Jack Sparrow, I’ll be in the theater seat to watch him. That said, there are, and probably only will ever be, three great Pirates films, and those are the ones that make up the first trilogy. While Dead Men Tell No Tales leans closer to Stranger Tides than its predecessors, it is still a damn fun adventure.

Up is Down.

I’m still processing my feelings towards this latest adventure, so I’m going to break from my normal format and just give some thoughts on what works in this movie, and what doesn’t. I reserve the right to revisit this review tomorrow once I’ve slept on it, and flesh it out some more. Also, SPOILER warning, blah blah blah.

What Doesn’t Work:

Let’s start with the negative, and end on the positive.

• I recently read an article about why Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is a perfect sequel (spoilers: it is). One of the biggest examples was that the sequel follows the rules set up in the previous installments, and that it fleshes out threads from the last movie. On the contrary, Dead Men Tell No Tales, which is the fifth film in the franchise, doesn’t always adhere to what came before it. One of the biggest examples is the backstory of Captain Salazar and his history with Sparrow. It shows how Salazar was hunting down pirates and killed “thousands” of them, as Barbossa puts it. But the movie never once mentions the Brethren Court. Surely, if Salazar was such a threat to the very existence of pirates, the Court would have had some response (as they had when Davy Jones and Cutler Beckett were after them). What really drove the nail in the coffin for me, here, was that this backstory scene shows a young Jack receiving the bead strand that he wears over his bandanna- but they gave him the one he wears now, not the one he wore when we first saw him, the one that later is revealed to be one of the Nine Pieces of Eight. Another minor inconsistency is Will Turner’s appearance, specifically that he’s getting a sea-related make-over. In At World’s End, Tia Dalma explains that the only reason Davy Jones and his crew look like that is that he had been ignoring his duty to ferry those who died at sea. So either Will Turner, too, has been ignoring his duty, or the make-up team forgot.
• While it was nice to see the guys who tried to stop Jack from boarding the Interceptor in the first movie (if you recall, they joined the merry band of Barbossa’s crew at the end of At World’s End), they never once made any connection to the fact that they know Jack Sparrow. They’ve simply become background characters, despite having an actual backstory existing in previous films. They also seemed to be replacing Pintel and Ragetti, who are for some reason absent altogether, despite being major players in the first three films.

Parley?

• Also missing is Bootstrap Turner, who notably remained on the Dutchman with his son.
• The story is somewhat convoluted. I had a hard time trying to figure out why Salazar cared about the Trident of Poseidon, or why getting the Trident would defeat Salazar. These points were never really made clear until the were suddenly necessary to the plot. It all made sense in the end, but until then it was sometimes hard to follow all the pieces. And a lot of those pieces seemed to exist simply to get these characters on the saw quest. The story seemed, more often than not, hard pressed to find a reason for Jack to be there at all, except that Henry has been looking for him for a long time, and then simply because he’ll be a good bargaining chip if Salazar catches them (except the only reason he is chasing them is because they have Jack).

• Corina, while one of the best parts of this movie, is, at times, a conundrum. She’s also on a quest to find the Trident, and has a map that no one else can read to get to it. But a third the way through the movie, she suddenly doesn’t believe in ghosts or curses (“Ya best start believin’ in ghost stories, Ms. Turner. Yer in one!”). Which is fine, she’s a scientist, a practical thinker, so it makes sense she wouldn’t believe in the supernatural. So why is she looking for Poseidon's Trident?
• And speaking of her also being on a quest, it seemed a little too convenient that Henry, Jack, and Corina all ended up in this town, two of which were separately looking for the Trident, and one which also had been looking for Jack Sparrow (and had just been given a message for Jack within a couple days of finding him).
• While I fully expected going in that Barbossa would die, his death felt a little anticlimactic. Then again, it may be because his original death in the first movie was so well done (“I feel… cold.”) and sad, despite him being the villain, that his “real” death just didn’t live up to it.

I feel…… cold.

• The movie seems to borrow a little too much from the previous films. Bad guys can’t step on land (Davy Jones, check). British officer who wants to wield a supernatural power for himself (Cutler Beckett, check). Someone’s father turns out to be a pirate (Will Turner, check).
• This movie just lacks some of the drive that the previous ones had. While a great movie, it just doesn’t have quite that emotional core that the first three had. You never get one hundred percent invested in the story. At least, not like you did when it was Will and Elizabeth’s story.
• The movie has some awesome fantasy elements, as is on par with the series (cursed Aztec gold, immortal sea captains, compasses that don’t point north… you get the picture). But it never seems to want to pay any of them their due attention. Sure, the prize of this film is the Trident of Poseidon, but it also features an undead captain and his crew, the Devil’s Triangle, and a mysterious force that ties Salazar’s imprisonment in the Triangle to Jack’s compass. Yet none of these elements really feel connected to each other, and are never given any real explanation. I know, it’s fantasy, the explanation is “magic.” But each of these elements should have been given their own film to explore, or at least a bigger part of this one. I mean, in Curse of the Black Pearl, Barbossa’s skeleton crew was tied to the cursed gold, and they explained how the curse worked (and how it was broken). In Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End, the key to defeating Davy Jones was in finding the key to the chest that held his heart. If you stab the heart, he dies. Even in On Stranger Tides, while overly complicated, the Fountain of Youth is explained, in that it will grant the drinker the remaining years of life from someone else. But here, there’s no real explanation as to why breaking the Trident will break any curse made at sea, nor do they explain why the Devil’s Triangle made Salazar’s crew undead (but didn’t do the same to any other crew who entered there), or why it imprisoned them, or why they remain imprisoned there so long as Jack Sparrow owns the compass, or why they are freed when he willingly gives it up. “It just does” seems to be the only answer available, and that’s just weak writing. Take it from a fantasy writer, even if you make the explanation up, you need an explanation, and it needs to work within the confines of the world you’ve created. It’s almost like Spider-Man 3’s “too many villain” problem. This movie would have done well to focus on the Devil’s Triangle itself, or to give more depth to Jack’s everpresent compass. As it is, it is like there were a few too many good ideas, and none of them got their due fleshing out (maybe the Pirates writers need to learn the phrase “kill your darlings”). They also never explain why there is a random witch who Barbossa and Faramir (I don’t remember his name in this movie) both take council from, even though they both treat her as though she has a history (maybe they couldn’t get Tia Dalma back now that she’s playing Moneypenny in 007… seriously, look it up, it’s almost like finding Zoe Saldana hiding in Curse of the Black Pearl).

What Works:

We went over what didn’t really work, now here’s the good stuff. And it is some damn good stuff.

• Henry Turner is a great character to follow. The casting leaves no doubt that he’s Will Turner’s son, and his interactions with Jack are reminiscent of Will’s first encounter with the pirate.
• Corina is definitely the best new character, and probably the most interesting. While just looking at Henry tells you he’s related to Will Turner (he’s a clone, he has to be), the real mystery (that we don’t even know we are following) is who Corina’s father is. While she uses the moniker “Smith” throughout the film, we learn her real last name is Barbossa. Labeled a witch, she’s a woman of science, and she definitely carries the film. If we get a sequel, she’s definitely the character we come back to watch (besides, you know, Jack Sparrow).
• Johnny Depp was excellent in this movie. While many felt like he phoned his performance in with On Stranger Tides, he’s definitely in good form here. And on top of that, correcting the problem of the previous film, he isn’t the main character. What really worked in the original trilogy was that Jack was more or less along for the ride, and the story was Will and Elizabeth’s. With On Stranger Tides, they pushed Sparrow to the forefront, and it just didn’t work. Here, however, the story is Henry and Corina’s, and Jack, once again, is simply present. And that’s exactly how he should be. Despite the reported problems behind the scenes (Depp’s repeated tardiness to set), those problems didn’t make it into the film, and Depp, once more, is a complete joy to watch.

• The humor, as well, is one of the best parts of this film. While I may not have been completely invested in the story, this movie made me laugh out loud quite often. Depp’s antics as the now-defunct Captain Jack are hilarious to watch, and even if the story wasn’t top-notch, the laughs are.

Guillotine? Sounds French.

• The score from Geoff Zanelli was good. It wasn’t great, but then again, how do you follow up Hans Zimmer? You don’t. Zanelli (who worked with Zimmer on the other Pirates films) does a good job weaving familiar themes in with new ones, enough that it still feels like Pirates. But the best themes are still Zimmer’s own when they pop up.
• It also has some truly epic scenes. The bank heist and the escape from the gallows/guillotine are easily as fun as the three-way fight between Jack, Will, and Norrington in Dead Man’s Chest. And that, again, is something that this movie recaptures that the previous film lacked- zany, over the top action sequences. The wheel fight in the second movie is one of my absolute favorite scenes in the franchise. Similarly, the epic battle between the Pearl and the Dutchman in the third movie was a sight to watch. Were they realistic? Hell no. Were they fun? Hell yes. This movie recaptures that style of crazy action that Jack Sparrow is well-known for.
• The visuals, as well, are on par with the franchise. Captain Salazar’s ghost crew are as creepy as Barbossa’s undead crew from the first movie.

Why would he be waiting for me?

What I Would Have Done Differently:

I’m a writer. And this is a franchise I’ve loved for a long time. So, naturally, I have ideas on what I would do with the series, and there’s going to be some things I would have done differently with this movie if I had been writing this story. Please don’t take these to be me saying that I hated these aspects of the film, I didn’t, but these are just some ways I, personally, would have improved the story. And, granted, I haven’t lived with this story for long, so some ideas of mine would not work in the finished product, and probably would require more tweaking of the story than just the part I mention. Likewise, removing parts that I didn’t agree with would, no doubt, unravel the rest of the story. So take these as suggestions, more guidelines than actual rules.

• Personally, I would have made Henry’s quest a mission from his father, rather than something he came up with on his own. I think it would have made way more sense that Will Turner would have heard of the Trident from his travels on the Dutchman, rather than his son learn of it from reading about curses (more than half of which were probably made up… you know how pirates exaggerate).
• Alternatively, I would not have revealed Henry’s relation to Will Turner at the beginning of the film. Instead, introduce him in the second scene on the doomed ship, let us believe he is just another sailor, and learn slowly that he is on a quest to free his father from a curse at sea (but still don’t tell us who his father is). He meets Jack, who is already on a similar quest for the Trident (because he, too, is cursed, being hunted by Salazar), and they team up to find the treasure. I’d let the audience learn who Henry’s father is as Jack learns it (and I’d make sure Henry has no idea who Jack Sparrow is in relation to his parents, as Elizabeth did not ever tell her son about him).
• As delightful as Corina is, and I love how intelligent her character was, perhaps it would have worked better if her quest had her seeking her father instead of the Trident. From there, it would have made sense that they both converge on Jack Sparrow, as he can help Will’s son find the Trident, and, of course, he knows Barbossa (Corina’s father).
• It also would have been nice if the plotline tied in to Jack’s overall quest for immortality. Throughout the series, Jack has always been looking for a way to live forever. It starts before Curse of the Black Pearl begins; Jack and his crew sought the cursed Aztec gold of Cortez, which granted immortality (with a caveat that you’d be a ghostly corpse in the moonlight, and never feel or taste anything again). It continues in the two sequels, with Jack trying to best Davy Jones and take his place as captain of the Flying Dutchman (and he even comments in At World’s End that being remembered, in a way, is being immortal). And, finally, it is continued through to On Stranger Tides, as he sought the Fountain of Youth. This movie, alternatively, sticks out because it didn’t continue that theme.
• Likewise, I think it would have been better if they chose a plotline to stick with. Either the Trident, or Captain Salazar’s revenge. Neither really seem to line up properly until the end, and even then, while clever (breaking the Trident breaks all curses made at sea, meaning Will Turner is free, Jack the monkey is no longer undead, and Salazar’s ghostly crew is alive again, which defeats them as they are all at the bottom of the ocean when that happens), it feels forced. I would say drop the Trident, as it had nothing to do with the franchise (it hasn’t been mentioned at all until now), and focus on Salazar, on his revenge plot and how Jack escapes it.
• I know it is the backbone of this movie, and it worked well for the story, but I personally wouldn’t have saved Will Turner. I know, shocking! But the ending of At World’s End, with Jack saving Will’s life by cursing him to take Davy Jones’ place, was such a bittersweet and poignant ending for Will Turner that I almost didn’t like them undoing it with this movie. That said, I am definitely glad Will has been reunited with Elizabeth, and I’ll get over it.
• And for the love of crap, I would have had Jack Sparrow reunite with Will and Elizabeth. As they embrace at the end, Will could have turned to Henry and asked how he managed to break his curse (which he does actually ask, but Henry doesn’t answer), and then Sparrow could have sauntered into the scene with his usual charisma. At the very least, they should have had Will look up and see the Black Pearl on the horizon. It would also have been cool if the Flying Dutchman came to Henry and Jack’s aid at the climax of the film, showing Will is looking out for his son.

It may seem like I complained about more than I liked, but really, I enjoyed the movie immensely. It is definitely my fourth favorite Pirates movie, but I never expected it to be as good as the original trilogy. What is important is that it is way better than the fourth movie, which, in my opinion, is the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull of the Pirates franchise. Not good.

This movie is the best movie since the original trilogy, and I think anyone who has ever enjoyed Jack Sparrow’s high adventures will enjoy this film. Definitely not movie of the year (I’ve already given that title to Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2), but definitely worth a trip to the theater to see. Savvy?

What’s next for Captain Jack Sparrow? Well, if the end credits scene is anything to go on, I expect a return from Davy Jones. Though I don’t know how, since A) he’s dead, and B) even if he weren’t, his curse should have been lifted with everyone else’s. But it will be interesting to see what happens next. I expect Will and Elizabeth to have a bigger role in the next film, given this scene, but who knows. All I know is, if Jack Sparrow is in the movie, I’ll be in the theater.

Do ya fear death?